music in (and) my life

 

(the picture in this post is from Kuolemanlaakso album cover) a picture that symbolize freedom to me as the character in the cover is craving from freedom

what is music for me?

music is a way, a tool and an addiction.

the way I feel and consume it-music is my way to express the deepest and most vivid feelings that I have,my emotions myself…me as an entity.

as I now 21 (almost 22 (; ) I experienced things in my life…especially in my childhood that as I absorbed them I managed to tackle them back through closing down my emotional expression.

I almost never express emotions or feelings to my surrounding..to mistakes I have a GF for 3 years and she hear me all the time that I love her and it’s true but the things is that in everyday life I can’t and embarrassed to express real emotional feelings.

when something make me funny I laughed. When I’m upset I yell and raises my voice but when it comes to express more “heavy” feelings then those 2..i can’t I just can’t.

in the recent year I noticed and been aware to this phenomena and I conclude why I can’t- I can’t because I’ve put wall the surround my deep self. And I noticed that the music that I listened to and addicted to for the last 21 year makes me feel and express things buy singing and dancing.

music is my way to break through the wall and make things come clearly out in the open.

a lot of close folks I’ve talked to about it said it’s a sad thing but I don’t thinks so because I like to keep my feelings safe from harming again. Why make them so out in the open if I can still feel (I can love and laugh and cry and getting upset) so why?

I love the way  music takes control over me and I don’t like to feel depend of things but when it comes to this thing. I love to give music the ability to control me and make me express things out in this creativity way.

I have this debate for almost couple of months but in the end of the day I love this way.

maybe it’s fear from trying the other way? maybe I’m afraid to getting hurt again?..it sure does hell..its a scary thing to try!

meanwhile I will continue to listen to my special music. Although I’m not sad, depress,mad i do listen to really niche genres in metal.

i like to listen to some doom metal like Swallow the sun, Draconian and Kuolemanlaakso(the death valley in finish) also I like female fronted metal bands that sings in soprano like Nightwish ,Xandria,Theatre of tragedy,Midnattsol and there are many more!

in my teenage days I used to listen to brutal death metal…I glad these days are behind me but once in a while I’m coming back to listen to some horrific tracks.

you know what’s funny? 90% of the bands i listen to regularly are from Germany, Finland and Norway..so I think it’s make us close to the big post about my moving to Germany…but not yet (;

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music in (and) my life

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